War of the Web Browsers

Well folks, actually, there is no war… chillax. Nobody’s fighting anybody. All browsers are used. You’ll find fans of each browser. It’s just a matter of personal preference. As a matter of fact, if you’re a nontechnical regular user into emailing and youtubing, all browsers will deliver equally. But if you’re a techy, you’ll find all browsers have the potential to irritate you somehow.

Come let’s degrade them all!

Google Chrome

Google Chrome seems to be a perfect browser when it comes to typical browsing. Its 100% HTML5 compatible, quick and decently capable of handling various types of pages quite well. However, there are some tiny little problems with this browsing devil.

We found it to be incompatible with certain types of WYSIWYG Rich Text Editors and some websites. Though not very common, but the browser has got to be 100% compatible with whatever you are accessing through it.

Another tiny problem is Chrome’s download manager… or should I say, Chrome’s no download manager. Whatever stupid thing Google is trying to call Chrome’s download manager is a sheer painful nonsense. It shows the downloads in an irritating big thick bar on the bottom of the window hence cutting off your working area. Plus why should one see all the ongoing downloads while browsing? Weird idea! And there is no way that you can turn this behavior off. Neither can you hook up any other free download manager or accelerator with Chrome. It supports none!


Mozilla Firefox 

Mozilla Firefox is a famous open source browser which means there are a couple of other browsers available which have Firefox running in their core. Firefox has always been on the forefront of ingenuity in the field of web browsers. And it delivers quite much to majority of the technical users out there. There is an infinite supply of add-ons and plugins available that you can hook up with your Firefox for various useful and useless things that you do online. A problem associated with the installed plug-ins and stuff though is that Firefox would update them every now and then and while it does so, you would have to wait. That is seriously sick!

But unlike their inventiveness-drive running wild in the past, Firefox has recently fallen a little cold. It is seriously suffering from incompatibility with HTML5 which is a plain disappointment.


Microsoft Internet Explorer


So… what do we have here… it’s the mighty Internet Explorer by the mighty Microsoft. Ok let’s not be sarcastic… we found the Internet Explorer to be a horrible web browser. It is 100% compatible with HTML5 and all kinds of websites. Other than that, to appear modern, it has copied the stupid single button control and the big thick ugly download manager on the screen’s bottom from Chrome.

But Internet Explorer has proven to be the most constipated web browser. It’s like a baby born without a limb. Yes… it’s physically handicapped. It does not come with a built-in spellcheck. We can think of no viable reason as to why wouldn’t Microsoft put in a spellchecker. Maybe it’s one of those unethical lame policies that Microsoft is so in love with.

The browser does support plug-ins and extensions but here’s the misery… if you have a couple of plug-ins installed, Internet Explorer would suggest you to “speed up browsing by disabling plug-ins” and it sticks the suggestion onto the bottom of the screen and doesn’t bother to remove it after a while. So every time you run the miserable Internet Explorer, you have to swear in the name of Almighty that you don’t want to close down any plug-ins.

Apart from all these troubles, the most heinous unforgivable sin is that Inter Explorer is prone to malicious Trojans and malware attacks. Every now and then, your antivirus (if you have set to live scanning) would report various attacks while you are browsing.


Apple Safari


At last, we have Apple’s Safari. Hmmm let’s see now. Naaaa lets see again. Hmmm well I’m speechless. What should I say about this browser… oh no I am so sorry… I meant to say iBrowser. Safari is actually just a silver colored shiny and bright web browser that browses, yes, it does, oh no sorry again, it does not browse, it iBrowses. I have nothing to say about Safari. Maybe its good, maybe it isn’t. Well whether it’s good or not, it’s still made by Apple and Apple’s fans say “we will use anything that is shiny and made by Apple”. No more comments!



Note: All web browsers have copied the single button control panel and tabs in the window’s title bar from Google Chrome. You know what, Google should have patented that. Too bad Google!

The all new Apple iGun 4S

Apple Inc. has finally released the most awaited iGun 4S. The project is funded by the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD). It’s a handgun available in black color only. The iGun will hit the shelves soon and is expected to be available in super stores as well.

The iGun comes with a built-in USB port through which you can connect it to your MAC and sync with your iTunes. Unfortunately it is not compatible with PC or any non MAC system. More on, the person using the iGun needs a special iMicrochip implanted into his iNeck without which the iGun doesn’t power on.

You can download iBullets through iTunes and sync them with your iGun through the data cable that comes with the iGun. Same is used for charging the gun off your MAC USB port. One dollar will get you two iBullets. Luckily, the basic iShoot application comes preinstalled with the iGun using which you can shoot the iBullets from your iGun. The app just shows a big round iButton on the screen which when tapped, shoots the iBullets. You can also download various third party apps for shooting. Out of them, our favorite is iShoot – Dance, which as the name suggests, shoots dancing iBullets.

And you would be most delighted to know that the iGun 4S supports voice control as well. So we have the legendary Siri here too.

Our expert Mr. Brown was anxious to test it and was lucky to get a test sample from Apple Inc. He flew all the way to Afghanistan to test his iGun. He had no trouble using the iGun through iShoot and was quite impressed by the performance. However he was a little disappointed to use it through voice commands. Here’s what happened

Mr. Brown: Siri! Shoot this man in front of me.

Siri: ok. Bang bang!!

Mr. Brown: no Siri! Shoot him please don’t just make the sounds yourself.

Siri: ok ok chillax man! No Big deal. I’m a little busy.

Mr. Brown: for the love of God Siri! For the love of God! Shoot the god damn man. He’ll kill me!!

It was then that Siri finaly shot the man.

Mr. Brown (after Siri shot): Siri what the heck were you thinking han? You were about to get me killed... god damn it!

Siri: hey I was busy ok. OK??

Mr. Brown (murmuring to himself): god damn it man!

Siri: hey I heard that. Shut up!

And Siri powered the iGun off in protest.

Apple: How many iPhones would you buy?

Americans: OMG its like we totally don't know OMG. Maybe we don't believe in knowing how many we need. OMG OMG who are we talking to?

Chinese: Just one. Then we'll make our own. We'll call it XingXiang jPhone 4P with a talking assistant called Piri. Its totally our own idea.

Samsung: No! don't talk to us.

Samsung (to their employees): Quick, start making phones similar to the iPhone. Everyday we must invent at least 20 new handsets in different sizes and forms. And don't forget to put a lot of lights on them.

Indians: We don't know about this iPhone that you talk about. We absolutely don't. Is it a phone? Is it cordless? How much would you charge for it? $300.99 or $300.89?

China: We'll give you the jPhone for $0.89 only.

Siri: Weee weeeeee!

Pakistanis: Did India buy them?

Microsoft: Hmmm lets work together on this iPhone of yours. What say?

Arabs: None! They are not dark blue and golden.

Apple: Ok. How many dark blue and golden iPhones would you buy?

Arabs: None. You have just painted them golden. We need real gold in them.

Apple: Ok. There you go. Real gold iPhones. How many?

Arabs: How many can you supply?

Apple: Depends on your order. 2 billion units at max.

Arabs: How much would you charge per unit?

Apple: $5000 per unit.

Arabs: Huh hahaha so cheap. Lets talk about Apple Inc. How much would you charge for it? Our dignity, our dollars or our oil?? What do you want?

Talibans: آیا آنها منفجر؟ (translation: do they explode?)

Nokia: Our Symbian is way more superior than your iOS.

Apple: Whatever!

Jews: All of them.

Jews (whispering to themselves): We'll make Apple buy them back from us.

Problems with Android, the world's most popular mobile platform

For those of you who still don’t know, Android is Google’s operating system for handheld devices like mobile phones and tablets and stuff like that.

People like Android, so do I. Its popularity owes much to the availability of loads (literally loads) of free applications for the users and a diverse powerful support for developers.

I’ve got some reservations against Android though.

Firstly, it launched after the success of Apple’s iOS, which makes it a copy of the Apple’s successful idea. By the way this reservation of mine isn’t restricted to Google. All modern full touch, finger operated handheld devices and their operating systems got their inspirations (if not idea-clones) from the iPhone and iOS.

Secondly, it’s foolishly flexible and hardware platform-independent. It has been ported to countless types and forms of devices. From various mobile phones (of various form factors made by various competing vendors) to numerous breeds of weird and good tablet computers to Acer’s Aspire One Netbook PC to even iPhones and God knows what else. I’m sure somebody out there must definitely be trying to port it to a toaster or a juicer or his bedside lamp. I would actually like to have it in my electric beard trimmer. Same issue is the reason why most of the apps flooding the so called Android market place are lame and lousy. Unless Android does not enjoy being restricted to a certain hardware package, its apps would always suffer from the generalization-syndrome. You see, things should be a little specialized here. At least for the sake of dignity! What sweetness would somebody feel seeing a substandard stupid Chinese tablet running the same version of Android that his sophisticated HTC phone runs on?

I suggest Google should close things a down a bit. They should start manufacturing their own hardware or should at least standardize hardware for Android… case closed!!

Introducing Apple Siri

"Siri on iPhone 4S lets you use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. Ask Siri to do things just by talking the way you talk. Siri understands what you say, knows what you mean, and even talks back. Siri is so easy to use and does so much, you’ll keep finding more and more ways to use it."

Apple Inc.

Yes that's right. Apple has incorporated voice control in their miserable new iPhone 4S and like always, is claiming that it has never been done before. Which, like always, is not true. Voice control in mobile phones and other handhelds has been around since quite some time now.

Our expert Mr Brown tested Siri and found it to be quite nice. Here's what happened

Command: Siri! Write an SMS please.

Siri: OK.

And then she wrote the SMS asking what to write and whom to send it to etc.

Command: Siri! Find me the White House on Google map.

Siri: OK.

And then she located the building on Google map.

Command: Siri! Please make a call to Mr. Stuart.

Siri: OK.

And she dialed up Stuart from the address book.

Mr Brown says Siri seems to be a nice friendly and mannered lady and seems to be somewhat intelligent as well. E.g. She'll tell you about the nonexistence of a contact if you ask her to dial someone whose not in your contact list.

Here are some secret commands that Apple would never disclose to the general public. We found out about them through Mr Brown. Thanks to Mr Brown!

Command: Siri! Are you from China?

Siri: Yes.

Command: Siri! I need to pee.

Siri: Woahh! Hold On.

And then she'll show you all the restrooms in the world on Google maps marked in red.

Command: Siri! Who runs the United States of America?

Siri: I don't know. Do you?

Command: Siri Siri on the wall, whose the richest one of all?
Siri: Apple Inc.

Command: Open Samsiri!!

Siri: OK.

And then the mighty iPhone 4S turns into a massive iCupboard. You can place anything into your iCupboard. Mr Brown tried a full grown elephant, an airplane, the Eiffel Tower and a water melon all at the same time and there was still a lot of space left. When done, you have to command Siri to "Close Samsiri" and the iCupboard turns back into an iPhone 4S with all the stuff inside it.

Mr Brown was a little worried though after some longer discussions with Siri. He is of the view that Siri has the potential to learn new things easily and might try to take over the world someday. He also found out that Siri tends to get lazy and moody at times and refuses to work for you. When ordered at such times, she says "no I won't do that" or starts whistling and ignoring you. And if you force her too much, she turns off the phone and then doesn't turn back on until you're on your knees apologizing.

Apple iPhone 4S

What is it?

It’s a very expensive toy made by Apple Inc. out of reinforced plastic which is shiny as glass and is said to be hard as steel.

Like all its looser predecessors, it has a remarkable resemblance with soaps. Pardon me Apple fans, I meant to say it looks like an iSoap. Its one stupid hard and sleek black or white piece of rock like something (soap-shaped) that has only one freaky ugly suppressed lame button like thingy on its lower end (only if you can figure out the upper and lower ends). Other than that, it has a few holes in it and a very big flap like screen on one of its sides. And it shines all over very cheaply.

 

What does it do?

It can help you perfect your ability of touching with fingers. Other than this helpful feature, it will just make your life miserable and ridiculous. It’s as entertaining as a stone. It lets you touch its big ugly screen. You can swipe your fingers across it and poke it all day long.

Officially stated, the iPhone 4S lets you make phone calls, send and receive text messages, snap photos and videos, be arrogant and cheap.

 

How does it do that it does?

It does everything through electricity, a processor, a touch screen, whole lot of fingers, a GSM network and a torn apart, cut into miniature starved midget like SIM card.

 

Who is it for?

Primarily it is for Apple fans. If you are not an Apple fan, you can still buy it if you have a lot of extra money. Or, if you don’t fall in any of these categories and are sick of your happy and peaceful life, iPhone 4S is just about the right option for you.

 

More

It comes with an irritating nuisance voice control system called the Siri. You talk to the iPhone pleading it to do various things for you like writing text messages, making calls etc.